


Dear Matthew

by musetrash



Category: Muse (Band)
Genre: Angst, Belldom - Freeform, Friendship, Letter, M/M, Muse - Freeform, Non-Canon Relationship, Oneshot, Undecided Relationship(s), relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-07
Updated: 2015-07-07
Packaged: 2018-04-08 04:31:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4290924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/musetrash/pseuds/musetrash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dom decides to write Matthew a letter explaining his feelings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear Matthew

**Author's Note:**

> This goes under the oneshot category. I don't know if I should give any warnings. It's not a happy fic definitely so just read with your own caution, alright? It's my first one ever so please comment any suggestions, I'd really appreciate that x

I miss you Matthew. I really do.

 

Everything that happened between us and what happened to you… All those memories still keep running around my mind. Everything in our, well my, house reminds me of you. Every wall, every inch of the red vintage carpet you hated, not having your scent surrounding me and making me feel secure. I even miss your sarcastic comments about my love for Queen. 

It’s been a real struggle without you. I mean you were always the one who made sure all the bills were paid on time and that our apartment looked more than decent. You had this weird obsession of decorating the wall in our bedroom with tiny, tiny photographs of us. I found it really cute. But now when you’re gone… You don’t even know how much it hurt every night to see those pictures of us having the time of our lives. I had to take them down, it was way too painful. I do still have all the photos in a box somewhere in the middle of all the other boxes full of your stuff. 

I know, I know. I get way too attached way too easily. I saved every piece of your clothing, even the ones I didn’t like that much on you. I have to be honest but sometimes your outfits would freak me out. My fashion sense isn’t that amazing but yours was a mess when you picked your own clothes. I’m glad I got to help you with that problem. 

This all is just babbling but it makes me feel a bit better. It’s like a way to comprehend that you’re gone and I will have to move on eventually. You would want me to move on. I keep telling that to myself every day. But it’s not easy just forget everything, you know? What we had was so special and so sincere, one could not just move past that. And all of a sudden you just go, you slip away from me and there’s nothing I could do to get you back. I can’t just forget you, not just like that.   
I still remember the first time you said you loved me. We were a bit intoxicated, you probably more than I was. We were just chatting about random things like what bothered us about the society and you started to tell me about weird conspiracy theories like you always did. You really loved conspiracy theories. You had this thick book about them and I kept it after you left. I’ve tried to open it once in a while but it was too much. I did try though. But anyway back to the point. We stopped talking at one point and you just looked at me with heavy eyelids and those piercing blue eyes staring at me from behind them. It took my breath away for sure. At that time I had known for a long time that I had feelings for you, really strong feelings. I never told you about them. If I would have, would you still be here? I question the possibility way too often. 

But when you said you loved me… I was sure I was going to vomit. Not that I was so disgusted that you said what you said but just wow. It was so overwhelming. I’ve never experienced anything that strong as I did back then. I felt these huge waves of warmth and serenity gently taking me over as the same time as a huge realization of what you said hit me like a fucking atom bomb. My mind was clearer than ever and I knew what I wanted to do but at the same time I was more confused than I have ever been and I questioned whether you told what you really thought or whether you were just drunk and mumbling. I remember stuttering like hell and putting as much effort as I could to form a full sentence but nothing reasonable came out. You just said you loved me and I sat there like an idiot who didn’t understand anything you said. It was quiet for a while until I heard soft snoring as you had fallen asleep. I blew my first chance like I did all the later chances too.  
You were my best friend and my flat mate. You were special to me and all I ever wanted to do was to spend the rest of my life with you. I just never actually told you how I felt and oh god how I regret that. I just couldn’t say three words. I was a coward unlike you. 

We were at our place and eating a takeout pizza when out of nowhere I felt an urge to kiss you. I tried signaling you what I wanted but you didn’t understand. So I went for it and it’s one of the proudest moments of my life because you were kissing me back. You actually kissed me back, Matthew. You kissed me back. But then I pulled away, apologized and left. I left our apartment and went for a walk to clear my head. I was being consumed by a vortex of feelings I had been trying to hide for years. I heard you yelling after me to come back but I didn’t return. I kept walking away from you and it turned out to be a really bad idea. When I got to the flat you weren’t there anymore. You were gone forever.

I just wish I could get you back. I need to tell you I love you. I’m so fucking sorry I was scared of what you would think. I can’t take the fact that I was the one that ended up killing you. Not literally but it was me who pushed you to do it. No matter how many times you wrote I wasn’t the reason you did what you did, we both know it was my fault. Who are we kidding, nothing was ever your fault. You were pure and fragile whilst I was selfish and ignorant. How the fuck did I not see that you were almost begging for me to open up to you and tell you how I felt? That’s almost exactly what you wrote in your final note. You wrote such beautiful things about love and whatever the hell we had. It’s like we had a quiet relationship.

I rejected you. That’s what you wrote. I rejected my feelings, I rejected you, I rejected us. Everything. I just pushed the hard feelings away because I didn’t know how to process them. I never spoke to you about my feelings unlike you. You always told me if something was wrong and if you felt down. I always listened and after you were done you asked me to tell you if I had anything on my mind. Every time I declined and I could see the disappointment in your breathtaking eyes. I could see how you silently mouthed ‘okay’ and sighed for the millionth time. I am so sorry.

I’ve made mistakes. I’ve made so many terrible mistakes and some of them ended up costing a lot more than I would’ve wanted. I lost you, I lost myself and with that the band was lost too. In a week everything was gone. More like a blink of an eye. That’s what it felt like.

Now I’m cold and I’m so, so alone. I’m paranoid that I’ll screw up whatever is left to ruin. I don’t have anyone left. I have no one to talk to. When I was surrounded by people that were there to listen I hid and ran away. Now when I need someone to talk to and I need someone to tell me it’s going to be alright I have nobody. I am really trying to get back on my feet but it’s so hard. I really don’t know how much longer I can take this, you know. I kind of understand what you must have felt when you made your decision. For the first time you showed an act of selfishness and you did the thing you wanted to do. Maybe you just were supposed to leave too early. Maybe it was planned that you would go earlier than others. You were too good. You were too innocent and too pure. I hope wherever you are right now it’s what you wanted. I’m coming after you when I’m ready. I will have my courage and I will tell you I love you. I will find you, I swear. I will always find you, my love.   
I love you Matthew James Bellamy. I always have and I always will.


End file.
